Hospital Stay

I thought I would do a post as I haven't posted something in a while. Might be helpful for me to post about my recent hospital stay. Since coming back home I haven't really talked about my experience and what happened. That was mainly because I could remember too much too vividly. Now thinking back it isn't as bad for me to discuss, quite a lot of things messed with my mind. Delirium is probably the reason as mixture of illness, medication and the amount time I was there can all affect the mind.

At first I was extremely ill and don't even remember the first two days in hospital. The biggest thing for me was the anxiety that I was suffering with, something I have never experienced like this. It felt like someone was crushing my body and like a strange feeling in my mind. I did struggle for a while with that and the delirium really didn't help, I thought some crazy things were happening that weren't.
I actually thought I was locked in the ward and that a gun running group was in the hospital and that gangsters were there. This happened quite often than not and it was very confusing not knowing what was real and what wasn't. Sometimes I was even shouting and swearing at doctors and nurses, which is not normal for me obviously. Anyway I don't want to get into the details of everything it would take forever and best to move on from it. I am extremely thankful towards all the medical staff who basically saved my life and obviously my family and carers. Finally I am grateful that I survived that ordeal with especially muscular dystrophy I somehow fought for my life and lived.

I left hospital and my anxiety was gone and everything was better again eventually took time to adjust again but nothing too stressful.

Life, love and relationships

I haven't written anything in quite a while but from recent events I thought I would share my views with you all. It sometimes feels surreal this life, changing from good to bad and back good again. It was wonderful recently with a family wedding of my cousin. I very much enjoyed especially seing family I don't always see. Finally meeting 3 new additions in it's self was so special. Good company in great surroundings not even necessarily needing to talk just having them around was great.

Next especially with people with dmd passing one of was my good friends greg who passed last year his good friend since died. Along with that cancer has now affected my family, which is isn't easy to digest especially with what it does to someone. Although I did think about family and how important it is to cherish happy and important memories and milestones with family. Always good to reminisce about these things but it's something nobody can take away from you.

Life can be extremely strange but usually and hopefully it's all good, what happens is an experience good or bad it's something learned sometimes regardless of your feelings any of these experiences can be useful. Maybe the best solutions to these bad experiences is to use your strength to know just to live your life as  best you can. I mostly enjoy life myself but certain things about life can be a struggle dealing with, really my disability hardly bothers me,  it's the seemingly normal things which affect me.

I often wonder about love and relationships, obviously you become more  curious as years go on. I'm not going to whine on about it and from the experience of others in my position it's clearly possible so it would be a lie to say otherwise. I will admit I sometimes feel i'm missing something especially when people around you are experiencing what I myself would love to feel.

It might not be impossible but in certain ways it's slightly more problematic, with going out and about it's often loud, limiting you in communication with people. I would especially say that helps especially in my situation as it's the best way to show I have a certain amount of intellect and show my personality. Certainly finding the right type of woman helps, most Ifind attractive are extremely patronising with sometimes hurts my feelings , clearly not something i'm looking for. I know myself I have lots going for me within reason not cocky that's for sure. Understanding how to treat others is half and given the chance i'm sure I could care for a woman perfectly well. Obviously having to rely on others I have learned patience and perseverance which can only be helpful.

Lots of things in life don't help like how vanity usually seems to come before intelligence or a personality, that's sometimes reserved for ugly people it seems which really has no bearings at all on beauty. Looks shouldn't affect things too much although you can't help who you're attracted to, we all have a particular 'type'  which doesn't always stay the same depending on who you meet. Although it's sometimes difficult not like beautiful women but everyone is attracted to something different. If someone was beautiful it might not necessarily be the reason why the people in question love each other. Some connection must have been made between one another whether it be a common interest, physical or a sense of humour shared, usually it isn't just one or the other it's a  few different reason why people attract on another.

I have had a glints of  possibly going out with women in some capacity but a few things happened exactly at the wrong time, one experience wasn't very nice and sort of felt like a punch through the heart. My problem is I seem to really like people extremely quickly which has on an occasions caused my disappointment. Hopefully I will eventually meet someone, without trying to sound morbid sometimes I think I would like to experience something resembling some sort of love before leaving this earth. Some may disagree but I would challenge someone to oppose that statement, if so you probably haven't fully thought it through. I you were given the choice I would have thought most would like 'Tis better to have loved and lostThan never to have loved at all'. In certain ways i'm guessing that's probably incorrect especially psychologically but that's my opinion but I could definitely think of plenty circumstances where loss is never helpful especially losing someone you love not just romantically.

That's my take on life and relationships the latter my experiences are extremely limited but i'm writing from my heart which must mean something. How you feel is important as that's who you are, I think to feel love you must understand your feelings of which I feel I have a  good understanding mostly. It's hard to truly know why things happen but I feel everything has a reason for happening. 

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away somewhere away from everything and be free, hopefully somewhere I can feel sand or grass between my toes. That second part I could do but everyone feels like going somewhere away from everything but i'm sure coming back to reality sometimes helps. I probably wouldn't be selfish enough to do that but in recent years society makes me dream of going to some utopia or wherever society and corporations don't try to control and Influence our lives at any given moment.

Felt I needed to write this all down i'm hopeful some of you understand where i'm coming from on this. I would think at least understanding my thought process to a degree sometimes people don't get how I think with might be or bad i'm unsure.

Thanks for reading hopefully i'll have something more for everyone soon enough.

Much love Alan x

Football

It's funny recently watching sunderland play, completely soul destroying. We do something useful in dribs and drabs, then you think 'what are you doing sunderland? and 'do you actually care about your team?' sometimes the most useful players are loanees certainly from past seasons too. All we really want is a decent match, with passionate players we give 100% every time, not just sometimes. Football is quickly becoming unfair and completely relating money to a degree equating to success. How can a sport survive without a more competitive nature, we should think about what sports like NFL do, it's definitely a big business but it's more competitive.

The college system they use really keeps teams competitive especially as even college sport get great coverage and is of a good enough quality that is also a money machine like it's bigger brother. Maybe something will change but why would anyone really care because it's big business, if that's the case why without supporters would any player actually exist,  sadly without us nothing would happen yet we seem the last thing on a players mind because they'll think 'ah it's alright, i'll get another contract for a BPL team if we get relegated' really what incentive do players really have to care about the team play for, unless your at a team who would expect to win something year in year out.

Sadly we had our chances and couldn't take them. The first because we didn't spent 300 million in recent years not exactly a fair playing field is it. The second because they seemingly wanted to concentrate on staying in the BPL, that was extremely annoying because that was probably our last chance realistically of silverware for quite a while unless we win the championship next season, which isn't really the same thing.

From Scratch

From Scratch

Haven't posted in quite a while due to unfortunate circumstances with my care, which as of now sorted. I have a really good care setup now with great cover for sickness of carers, also looking forward to getting out and about to socialize. Feels like a lease of life now, really you have to do what you can whilst that's still possible. Sometimes when things begin to change for the better you actually realize what you haven't been doing. I'm going to sort out my life thoroughly to make sure i'm not just wasting away doing nothing getting nowhere, that's not something I would recommend. Will post more regularly now that everything is peachy.

thanks
AJ

Holiday

Holiday

Looking forward to a well needed break from everything, haven't been a quite a while but it should be good. If you don't know about Martin House it's a wonderful place for terminally ill children and for teenagers/adults. Always something interesting to do and plenty of people to talk to, usually really good food and as it's yorkshire lots of tea otherwise it wouldn't be right. Anyway ill probably post next week with more.

thanks Alan

Fun

Fun

Enjoyed my belated christmas rather later than never as they say, especially enjoyable christmas dinner starting with a seafood platter. Mostly just like eating the gravy which is obviously the best thing unless it's cheese that is. Afterwards watching the FA cup probably about 6 hours of that with the NFL for good measure. 

Playing gran turismo which was my present was enjoyable, didn't really think i could actually play it that easily. Turns out you can change the control response and make driving easier for players. I don't have anything more interesting to share, thanks for reading.

AJP

New Beginnings

 New beginnings

Thought I would begin my new year with this blog, jumping on the bandwagon with bert. His blogging has been interesting hopefully i'm not boring for you all. This year im hoping is better because a few things have been quite stressful with illness within my family, also the death of my friend was difficult especially him having dmd. I can't forgot about the nice things with 3 more additions to the family coming that's amazing to have. The other thing would be the rise of dmd pathfinders deciding to become a charity of which i'm luckily involved with should be interesting this year. I'm trying to think about doing something more with my life too, possibly getting involved more social and continue my dance music creation hobby.

Starting my year with a belated christmas as my dad is back home, so that's something i'm going to enjoy especially the christmas dinner probably meaning i'm getting old if that's my favourite. Then having my birthday night out, half priced cocktails oh dear haha ill be a cheap date if anyone is offering ;) Will update you all about these events mostly just because I enjoy procrastination. 

Thanks if you read this it's greatly appreciated, please comment if you wish!!

:D a song to play me out I am the one and only